Managing Conflict

As much as we might try to avoid it, conflict is inevitable. It happens with family, partners, children, co-workers and out in community. While we can’t control what other people do or say, we can control how we respond to it. The old saying “Peace begins with you” is true. If you want more peace in your life, look to yourself first.

Just like with any new habit, making an intention to do conflict better is step one. You want this because you’re tired of the stress and anxiety. You wish you could move through conflict easily and live in peace. Arguing is exhausting!

A deeper reason is because when we resolve our disagreements and misunderstandings intentionally and calmly, it deepens our relationships. Think of a time you experienced a rift with someone you really cared for and how badly that felt. Then, when it got cleared up, you not only felt better but you felt closer to that person.

One of the big challenges here is that as much as we might think we know what the other person means by their words or actions, we don’t truly know unless they tell us. And, of course, this requires a conversation. How you have that conversation can make the friction worse or make things better.

Let’s make things better. First, you want to identify that there is a problem and you want to work on it. Spend some thinking about what did or didn’t happen and how you feel about it. Also, ask yourself, what is it that you wanted to happen or wish had happened. Then, ask the other person if they’re willing to talk with you. Make sure you both have the time so neither of you are rushed or distracted.

Then, name the problem. Try to frame it in a neutral way without blame. Share what your perceptions are and how it made you feel. Ask them to share the same. See where you can figure out where things went wrong. Was it different expectations? Miscommunication? Possibly, they didn’t even know you were upset.

After the other person shares their perceptions, and hopefully they share their feelings, too, summarize what you think you heard them say. This will help them feel heard and understood. It’s great when they can do that too but don’t expect it at first. If this is new to you, it’s probably new to them, too.

Once you have the problem identified, try to keep it separate from the other person. Rather than making it something they did in a blamey way, put it out in front of the two of you with you both are on the same side looking at it. Then, it’s easier to come up with a plan to make things better because you’re both on the same team.

Before all of this though, what really helps is to practice calming techniques such as meditation, breathwork or journaling (or all the above!). Doing these kinds of things will help you process your feelings and put you in a grounded mindset so it will be more of a productive conversation instead of a yelling argument.